Parents Shouting at Their Kids

It's something we all do, or at least see, almost every day - parents shouting at their kids.  The thing is though, parents rarely shout at their kids when in company.  Instead, they employ a number of bizarre methods to convey their parental outrage, that when you think about it, are all utterly hilarious.

The Deadly Daggers
This is when you physically try to thrust your eyes out as though they are on extendable stalks; and then, as if that wasn't enough, you try to communicate to the offending child in some sort of twitchy Morse code.  Your eyes dart from the child to the nearest agreeable safe zone in a vain effort to call them to heel; only to confuse and frustrate them into an inevitably epic tantrum.

The Crazy Mime
OK, so we are now mid tantrum, and you, the embarrassed parent, needs to reassert your authority, post haste.  There is only one thing to do; scream at the misbehaving child without making a sound.  Surely it can't fail?  Except, that to everyone else, you end up coming off like you are reenacting a scene from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie; only with the sound turned down.  Not a great look.

The Downward Point
Pointing towards you feet, combined with one or both of the first two steps, is a sure way to curb your child's intolerable behaviour.  Isn't it?  Funnily enough; no, it isn't.  The child will go on about their business, without a care in the world, while you show everybody in the room why you got turned down for the leading role in the off Broadway production of Saturday Night Fever.

The Heavy Sigh
Now that you have blatantly made a complete moron out of yourself; and with absolutely no quarter given by the child, it is time to resort to more subtle tactics.  By sighing heavily, you are telling the child that you will not put up with any more of their antics; but at the same time do not wish to make a scene in front of your friends.  Children are a lot better at subtlety than you may think, and will choose to ignore your signal.  On the plus side; as your frustration mounts, everyone will assume you are asthmatic and you will never go without a seat.

The Broken Record
It's come to that point - you have to use actual words.  By this stage you are incapable of constructing even the most rudimentary of sentences; so what's left?  How about repeating the child's name, over and over again, through gritted teeth, in an ever ascending crescendo?  That's bound to stop the little devil child in their tracks.  If not, it will at least provide significant room, as everyone else within a hundred mile radius gets off side, for your head to explode.
No matter what you do though, be careful; the end result is, you will end up looking like this:

Skype Virus

Most Viruses attack a person’s personal information; but the hackers that have created this latest Skype virus have taken things one step further.  The Skype virus essentially replicates the DNA strands of known viruses like, the Flu, Ebola and the avian erythroblastosis virus, and then sends them to the person who is using Skype.  The good news is; one of the people using Skype already has to be infected by a virus in order for this to work.

I know; it sounds ridiculous, right?  However, what if I were to tell you that up until two days ago, while speaking to my sick girlfriend on Skype, I had never had the Flu virus?  She lives in the United States, and I am in Northern Ireland, so how could she have transmitted the Flu virus to me, through Skype? Well, the team at the J. Craig Venter Institute in Rockville, Maryland, who recently created synthetic life, are the ones who hold the answer.  The Skype virus is the icing on the cake; but it breaks every single ethical code in the book, so of course, those guys are not exactly eager to broadcast it to the world.  That doesn't mean though, that the information cannot be found, if you know where to look.

So, look I did; and this is what I discovered.  The Skype virus works by creating an algorithm that can map the genetic make up of a virus, by recording sound pulses that the virus gives off, which are inaudible to the human ear.  Once this is done, the code for the Skype virus travels through cyber space and is delivered to the end user.  As this is a completely new strain of the virus, even someone like me who is usually immune, becomes susceptible.

It appears that the Skype virus is just the beginning though.  Other applications, that are being considered for this new technology are; bio-hazardous emoticons, sexually transmitted smilies, and virtual pink eye.  You may ask why scientists would want to create something as potentially deadly as the Skype virus; but what you should be asking is, Why not?  Not only will the Skype virus prove, once and for all, that science is the new religion; but it will also give you an excuse not to have to talk to those annoying people who you really wish you hadn't added to begin with.  You know the type.  They seemed shy, and friendly enough; until that is, they put on their Internet face, and it's like having a conversation with Hannibal Lecter, possessed by the ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer.  Now you can just change your status message to; "Have the worst case of Swine Flu...ever!", and no more awkwardly unnerving cyber chat with; "Here's Johnny - kills his cats for fun - nut-bar", guy.

Why do Vacuum Cleaners Suck?

So there you have it, folks; the reason that cheap vacuum cleaners suck.  I guess that would make this one of the shortest article ever, right?  ...Wrong!  The reason cheap vacuum cleaners suck is because they only work for about the first ten times they are used.  After that the vacuum cleaner still sucks; but in a completely different sense.  I should have guessed that the vacuum cleaner was invented by an American, after all, they are also bulky, blow hot air out one end, and generally suck at what they're supposed to do best.

You would imagine too, that the individual components of a device that is supposed to create a vacuum effect would be sealed up pretty tight; but you'd be wrong again.  Instead they will quite happily fall to pieces the minute the slightest pressure is applied.  This usually causes nothing more than the minor inconvenience of reattaching the offending piece.  That is, of course, until the offending piece happens to be the container that holds a weeks worth of assorted crap picked up from around the house.

Some cheap vacuum cleaners are so logical too; it seems that the less you pay for them, the less they perform.  With most appliances this would not present much of a problem; but I have seen vacuum cleaners that are so cheap, they start blowing out dirt.  You could be walking along; running your cheap vacuum cleaner over the carpet and when you turn around there is a trail of debris left in your wake.  In fairness, you really have no one else but yourself to blame though.  What did you expect when you bought a cheap vacuum cleaner that has model names like Hansel and Gretel, or Theseus and the minotaur?   The only possible use they have is to help lost hikers on nature trails, find their way back to the path.


I am also astounded that one of the vacuum cleaners that sells the most in the UK, does so because it has a smilie face painted on the front, and answers to the name of Henry.  In fact, they are so popular that Henry now has a girlfriend called Hetty, who comes in pink and was presumably put on the market to appeal to the female buyer.  If that was actually the marketing strategy behind it, I would have loved to have been in on that brainstorming session.

Overly smilie ad guy 1: Hey guys, the sales figures show there are significantly more men than women, buying vacuum cleaners.

Overly smilie guy 2: Yeah, and I bet only half of them are using it to clean the floor; if you know what I mean?

Overly smilie guy 1: You could be right; but if we were to bring out a female version of Henry, we could appeal to a broader audience.

Overly smilie guy 3: And there would be a lot more guys cleaning their rooms too, I bet.  It's a win win situation, I suppose.

Overly smilie guy 4: We should really put a more prominent usage warning on the models that have a rotating blade in the hose though...

I Am A Zombie

Yeah, so I thought I should introduce myself; what's left of me anyway.  See, I'm a frickin Zombie; and not in the metaphorical sense either.  Don't make me laugh or you might just get splattered with entrails.  Being a zombie isn't such a big deal; it's just like being a politician, only with more cognitive skills.  I got this way from gettin' into a rigged poker game was some crazy Haitian.  He didn't like the fact that I won; since I was playing three aces and he had only put two in the deck.  So the son of a bitch put a hex on me.  He blew some of that zombie powder in my face, cracked me over the head with a spade, and buried me in the woods.  I can tell ya, waking up to find that worms have build a condo where your left nipple used to be, is no picnic.

There I was, dead, rotting, and prime real estate for upwardly mobile rats; but things were about to get much worse.  No sooner had I dragged my sorry ass out of that shallow grave when it hit me; this hunger so overwhelming that it almost drove me insane.  It's not what you think though, I wasn't cravin' for human brains, flesh, or even blood.  What I needed was a computer, an Internet connection, and a outlet to the world of the living.  I had this insatiable desire to write, and write I did.  Nobody ever suspected that I was a shambling bag of bones and pus; but if who've ever actually looked at the profile picture of the average Blogger, that should be no great surprise.

Now, I get to spend eternity sharing my thoughts with all you brain dead morons; so you better listen good, because the Morbid Zombie is here, and I've got a lot to say.

Edward Cullen - What Is The First Twilight Movie Like?

OK, so I finally caved and watched the first Twilight movie.  For those of you who live on Mars, Twilight was adopted from the series of books of the same name, authored by Stephanie Meyer.  The books centre around the teenage love affair of 17 year old, Isabella "Bella" Swan, and vampire, Edward Cullen.

Now, I haven't read the books, but the very first thing I noticed about Twilight was how incredibly bad the characters were.  Almost from the very first scene, Robert Pattinson who plays the vampire Edward Cullen, was close to making me throw up.  The word camp springs to mind; Robert Pattinson would have looked more at home in a rainbow production of the bird cage.  Hey, Robert Pattinson, the gay community called, and they want their mannerisms back!  I know vampires are supposed to have a smooth and suave mystique about them, but the Edward Cullen character was more limp than smooth. Oh, and If this is the guy who's bringing sexy back, then there is hope for John Merrick yet.  Don't get me wrong, I have many gay friends; I just don't think that that is the way  104 year old vampires who have a thing for 17 year old girls would carry themselves.  Also, on that note, does no one else but me find it slightly creepy that someone of that age is lusting over a teenager?  I mean, shouldn't Edward Cullen be signing some sort of register?

All the kids in Twilight reminded me of one of those happy smiley adverts from 1950s America; only there was more colour in those ads.  The acting was stiff and awkward a lot of the time, and this really made the movie feel like just another thrown together production, exclusively aimed at exploiting the hormones of teenage girls.  Of course, based on the massive following Twilight now has in the, impressionable teenage girl market, they obviously achieved their goal.  The plot of the movie wasn't so bad, and for me it was the saving grace.  However, I just can't enjoy a movie if I spend half the time feeling embarrassed for the actors, and the other half trying to get the tune of The Village people - YMCA, out of my head.

If these movies mean that more kids are reading, then that is a good thing. Just as long as we don't end up with Harry Potter and Twilight gangs; running the streets staging dance offs like something from a Tim Burton remake of Westside Story.  If you are not too attached to your IQ, then park it at the door and give Twilight a look; but if like me you prefer your movies with more substance than the eternal void of nothingness, then give it a miss.