Why do Vacuum Cleaners Suck?

So there you have it, folks; the reason that cheap vacuum cleaners suck.  I guess that would make this one of the shortest article ever, right?  ...Wrong!  The reason cheap vacuum cleaners suck is because they only work for about the first ten times they are used.  After that the vacuum cleaner still sucks; but in a completely different sense.  I should have guessed that the vacuum cleaner was invented by an American, after all, they are also bulky, blow hot air out one end, and generally suck at what they're supposed to do best.

You would imagine too, that the individual components of a device that is supposed to create a vacuum effect would be sealed up pretty tight; but you'd be wrong again.  Instead they will quite happily fall to pieces the minute the slightest pressure is applied.  This usually causes nothing more than the minor inconvenience of reattaching the offending piece.  That is, of course, until the offending piece happens to be the container that holds a weeks worth of assorted crap picked up from around the house.

Some cheap vacuum cleaners are so logical too; it seems that the less you pay for them, the less they perform.  With most appliances this would not present much of a problem; but I have seen vacuum cleaners that are so cheap, they start blowing out dirt.  You could be walking along; running your cheap vacuum cleaner over the carpet and when you turn around there is a trail of debris left in your wake.  In fairness, you really have no one else but yourself to blame though.  What did you expect when you bought a cheap vacuum cleaner that has model names like Hansel and Gretel, or Theseus and the minotaur?   The only possible use they have is to help lost hikers on nature trails, find their way back to the path.


I am also astounded that one of the vacuum cleaners that sells the most in the UK, does so because it has a smilie face painted on the front, and answers to the name of Henry.  In fact, they are so popular that Henry now has a girlfriend called Hetty, who comes in pink and was presumably put on the market to appeal to the female buyer.  If that was actually the marketing strategy behind it, I would have loved to have been in on that brainstorming session.

Overly smilie ad guy 1: Hey guys, the sales figures show there are significantly more men than women, buying vacuum cleaners.

Overly smilie guy 2: Yeah, and I bet only half of them are using it to clean the floor; if you know what I mean?

Overly smilie guy 1: You could be right; but if we were to bring out a female version of Henry, we could appeal to a broader audience.

Overly smilie guy 3: And there would be a lot more guys cleaning their rooms too, I bet.  It's a win win situation, I suppose.

Overly smilie guy 4: We should really put a more prominent usage warning on the models that have a rotating blade in the hose though...